Toilet Humor


I just talked with an old road warrior pal of mine and as a result of that conversation, I feel “moved” to say a few things about the benefits of toilet humor. First of all, everyone thinks that farts are funny. PERIOD. And anyone who doesn’t admit it is a goddamn liar. I would give anything to be granted an interview with the Pope. Could you just picture tearing canvas in the presence of his holiness and watching him try to look…well, holy? And I contend that it is beyond the realm of reasonable belief to think that the presidential cabinet, any presidential cabinet, hasn’t been punctuated by high fives and comments like, “Nice one, George!” (Washington or Bush, take your pick).

I just thought that I would thin out the crowd and get rid of the potty humor pussies before I get into my story. Some years ago, I was doing a few “Oldies” type gigs. Four or five blasts from the past, a backstage deli tray, and a a bunch of liars telling each other about all the “original” music that they are recording back home and how they are all just about to get signed. The truth is that it was good work, good fun and decent dough. One of my favorite things was when the acts would argue about who was opening for who…(whom? ah, who cares). What was left of The Association were the worst, man. They (the two-and-a-half remaining guys) thought that they were too fucking famous to open for anyone else now that The Beatles had broken up. Seeing these self-possessed midgets in their white suits taking on Mitch Ryder’s leather and bandana clad gang was a special moment.

Well, back to the point. Sometimes there would be a celebrity DJ serving as emcee on these shows. Once, on a steaming summer day in North Carolina, I was sitting on the can getting rid of two days and three flights worth of road food induced bowel kinks. I heard the next door creak open and shut. Then I heard the unmistakable growl of Wolfman Jack as he lowered himself into the throne of life. “Owww baaby!” I had to laugh out loud and at the same time I thought, Fuck man, I’m shitting two feet away from Wolfman Jack! Then I heard a noise that sounded like bowling balls being dropped into a pool from a helicopter. I answered with a scatter-shot butt-splasher of my own and we both laughed uncontrollably.

As we washed our hands, Wolf told me a hilarious story. It seems that he was doing an all day gig and wearing an Elvis type jump suit. As he introduced the first act, he went to fart…and shit his pants! Picture it, outside gig, all day, no change of clothes…and porta-potties for facilities. I asked him what he did, and he said “what do you think, baby. I walked around in shitty pants all day long!” Christ, I smile at the thought.

So , if you’re not into toilet humor, fuck ya, I think its funny… and so do you, you just won’t admit it. More Shangri La next time.